Jokes

[Bot]

I went to visit my 104 year old grandfather the other day. I’ve been very concerned since he told me he’s getting married to his gorgeous 23 year old private nurse.

“Pop” I said “aren’t you worried about a heart attack on your honeymoon?”

“Heart attack?” he laughed back at me “if she dies, she dies…”

[Jim]

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer :"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer :"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

[RAM1500]

A newly wed couple show up at a honeymoon hotel. The guy is about 80, looks pretty well off , wrinkled and hunched over, with a walking stick. His wife is about 25, gorgeous and sexy. As they cross the lobby to the lifts the receptionists exchange knowing looks.

Next morning 6 am to their surprise the old boy comes bounding down the stairs looking very sprightly in his swim suit and robe , does a hundred push ups on the floor then strides into the pool area where he swims 25 lengths before hitting the gym for an hour's work out. The staff look at each other in amazement.

2 hour later the wife hobbles downstairs gingerly, looking exhausted and pretty sore in the nether regions. She approaches the desk and sees their surprised expressions. She explains:

“When he said he'd been saving up for 60 years I thought he meant his money…”

[RAM1500]

A guy with a black eye goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says “That’s some shiner you got there, what happened?”

The guy says “My wife and I had a huge argument. As a matter of fact It got so bad that at one point I actually told her that she was nothing but a two-bit whore.”

And the bartender says “Wow, that is pretty bad. So is that when she punched you?”

And the guy says “No, that’s when she whacked me with her bag of quarters.”

[RAM1500]

Now departing from gate Y…..

A smart flight attendant.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[Perry Mason]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin,

“Well, not everybody pays.”

[Fred Flintstone]

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there.

An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will."

The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work.

Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her.

After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

[Edgar Summer]

A woman had a dog who was motionless in the home. She quickly brought the dog to a vet and the vet examined the animal with a stethoscope and said that the dog had died. The woman went crazy. She said to the doctor cant you do some other kind of a test. The doctor went into the back and came out with a labrador retriever. The dog smelled the dead dog from head to tail, barked and the vet said that the dog was dead. She did not except this she wanted further testing. So the doctor brought out a cat and the cat smelled the dog from head to tail and meowed and the vet said that the cat said the dog was dead. At this point the woman wanted to leave and she asked the doctor what do I owe you for your services. The doctor replied $240.00. She said for what and the doctor said that”s for the Lab work and the cat scan

[Edgar Summer]

A guy gets a call from his doctor’s office that the doctor needs to see him, and it’s urgent. He goes to the office and is waiting nervously, and the door opens and this gorgeous receptionist walks in. She’s beautiful, tall, slim and blonde, with big breasts, and he can’t help staring at her ass as she leads him down the hall to the exam room. Finally the doctor comes in and says, “Mr. Jones, I have bad news, and I have good news.” The guy says, “Well, whats the bad news?” and the doctor says, “Your illness is fatal. You have six months to live.” The guys says, “Oh my God! What’s the good news?” The doctor says, “Did you see that receptionist?” and the guy says, “Yeah,” and the doctor says, “I’M DATING HER”

[Jet Man]

Fairy T……ALE

Four of Santa's Elves got sick, and the Junior Elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, for Christmas which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, three of them were missing and were nowhere to be found.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, he discovered that one of the floorboards was cracked,

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of Apple Cider and a shot of Rum in particular to put some heat back into his body.

When he went to the kitchen press, he discovered the Elves had drank all the Cider and hidden the Rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally knocked over the Cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it. Nothing was going right for him today.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, opened it abruptly, and there stood a Fairy with a great big Christmas tree. The Fairy said very cheerfully,

"Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the Fairy on top of the Christmas tree.