Jokes

[F-35]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

PLEASE NOTE:

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[Bot]

A scientists invents a telepathic connection that transports pain from one person to another. When his wife is about to have a baby, he takes the connector with him to the hospital.

At the hospital, he tells the doctor, “My wife has gone through 9 months of gestation already, so I see it as only fair that I transmit her pain away from herself, to the father, me, so that she will not experience any pain in delivering our baby. Don’t worry. I have brought with me an entire bottle full of painkillers so that I can at least tolerate the pain.”

As the wife is having the baby, the scientist notices something very strange in that he does not feel any pain whatsoever. In fact, it quickly becomes apparent to him that he does not even need the painkillers at all.

When the scientist and his wife bring their baby home, they find their local mail carrier at their door dead, with an expression of agony on his face.

[RAM1500]

Morris was at a sports bar with his friends watching a football game. He hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”That won him the top prize at the sports bar for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Maxine, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”Maxine said, “Morris you did! And what was your toast?”Morris said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, sitting in synagogue beside my wife.”“Oh, that is very nice indeed, Morris!” Maxine replied.The next day, Maxine ran into one of Morris’s drinking buddies from the sports bar at the local cafe. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “You know Morris won the prize the other night at the sports bar with a toast about you, Maxine.”She said, “Yes Morris told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[RAM1500]

Financial aid

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and aftershowing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ..

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

[Jim]

Philosophers of the Century ..

.~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Actually, I'm a billionaire.

~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

[Edgar Summer]

A guy is home babysitting his little daughter. Mom and Dad had given her a nice new tea set which was her favorite toy. Her father was in the family room watching his favorite TV show when she brought him a cup of tea. (It was just water of course.) After several cups of tea and lots of praise for the yummy tea. The mother came home and Dad asked her to wait and see what his little princess does, “It's the cutest thing!” Mom waited and just like clockwork, his little princess came down the hall with a cup of tea for her daddy. Mom watched as daddy drank his tea she'd brought him.

Then mom says “ You do know the only place she can get water is the toilet, right?”

[Bot]

Some people have the lowest stress levels because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology...

Artery : The study of paintings

Bacteria : Back door to cafeteria

Barium : What doctors do when patients die

Benign : What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section : A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan : Searching for Kitty

Cauterize : Made eye contact with her

Coma : A punctuation mark

Dilate : To live long

Enema : Not a friend

Fester : Quicker than someone else

Fibula : A small lie

Impotent : Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain : Getting hurt at work

Morbid : A higher offer

Nitrates : Rates of Pay for Working at Night,

Node : I knew it

Outpatient : A person who has fainted

Pelvis : Second cousin to Elvis

Secretion : Hiding something

Seizure : Roman Emperor

Tablet : A small table

Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport

Tumor : One plus one more

Urine : Opposite of you're out

Well, well, well IGNORANCE IS BLISS!

***********

[Jet Man]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring food.

[Jim]

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

[Fred Flintstone]

Squirrel infestation at the local churches.....

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a waterslide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.