Circle files;
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding.
The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed.
He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket.
As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up.
"Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said.
"I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer.
"We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket.
All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
Jokes
Re: Jokes
These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. t's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. t's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Re: Jokes
IN MEMORY OF BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday..
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday..
Alaskan Crabs
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
-
Fred Flintstone
- Posts: 158
- Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm
Heavenly Poker
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity”.
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, “ok, your Majesty, you may go in”.
Dolly is outraged and asked,“What was that all about, I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me”?
Sorry Dolly, says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are”
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity”.
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, “ok, your Majesty, you may go in”.
Dolly is outraged and asked,“What was that all about, I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me”?
Sorry Dolly, says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are”
Re: Jokes
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
"Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water
again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again--- but this time holds him down for about 60
seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs
he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to
the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
"Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water
again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again--- but this time holds him down for about 60
seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs
he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to
the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A couple of Tramps
A couple of tramps met up one day. Bert was looking plump and healthy but Sid looked very thin.
Sid asked Bert how he did it.
Bert said, “I go to a wealthy looking horse-owning area and look for a bit of horse muck on the road. I then go up to one of the big houses and knock on the door. When someone answers, I ask for a bit of salt and pepper to put on the horse muck because it’s all I can find to eat. They always take pity on me and take me in for a slap-up meal.”
Sid decided to give it a try. He went to a wealthy horse-owning area and found some horse muck on the road.
He knocked on a door and the lady of the house appeared. He asked her, “Could you give me some salt and pepper to put on this bit of horse muck? It’s all I can find to eat.”
She shrank back in horror. “Oh you poor man. That is so sad! Throw that away! …Go around to my stables and find yourself a fresh bit.”
Sid asked Bert how he did it.
Bert said, “I go to a wealthy looking horse-owning area and look for a bit of horse muck on the road. I then go up to one of the big houses and knock on the door. When someone answers, I ask for a bit of salt and pepper to put on the horse muck because it’s all I can find to eat. They always take pity on me and take me in for a slap-up meal.”
Sid decided to give it a try. He went to a wealthy horse-owning area and found some horse muck on the road.
He knocked on a door and the lady of the house appeared. He asked her, “Could you give me some salt and pepper to put on this bit of horse muck? It’s all I can find to eat.”
She shrank back in horror. “Oh you poor man. That is so sad! Throw that away! …Go around to my stables and find yourself a fresh bit.”
Re: Jokes
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop:
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 euros
In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 euros
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 euros
Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 euros
This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said.
“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.”
In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered.
“Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.”
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 euros
In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 euros
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 euros
Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 euros
This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said.
“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.”
In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered.
“Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.”
Re: Jokes
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
Re: Jokes
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the
club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a
Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Hey Dave, Looks like you picked up a real bitch this time,
club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a
Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Hey Dave, Looks like you picked up a real bitch this time,