The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month." Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."
--------------
An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!”
“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.
Dolphins, the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a bloody pulp.
I’ll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the side of the road.
When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says: “for the LAST TIME dad…. I train SEALS…. NAVY SEALS…. NOT dolphins.
Jokes
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Perry Mason
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:45 pm
Re: Jokes
Breviloquent Facetiousness
1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.
2. When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
3. It's weird being the same age as old people.
4. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
5. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!"
7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.
10. You know you are getting old when "friends with benefits" means having someone who can drive at night.
11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
12. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
13. For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything.
14. I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know darn well Dad has no idea what's inside.
1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.
2. When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
3. It's weird being the same age as old people.
4. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
5. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!"
7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.
10. You know you are getting old when "friends with benefits" means having someone who can drive at night.
11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
12. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
13. For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything.
14. I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know darn well Dad has no idea what's inside.
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Fred Flintstone
- Posts: 158
- Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm
Re: Jokes
Two dead boys
Ladies and gentleman skinny and scout
I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about
The admission is free so pay at the door
Now pull out a chair and sit on the floor
On one bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
The blind man came to see fair play
The mute man came to shout hooray
The deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to stop those two dead boys
He lived on the corner in the middle of the block
In a two story house on a vacant lot
A man with no legs came walking by
And kicked the lawman in his thigh
He crashed through a wall without making a sound
Into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned
A long black hearse came to cart him away
But he ran for his life and is still gone today
I watched from the corner of the table
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable
If you doubt my lies are true
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too
-- by Tyler Rager
Ladies and gentleman skinny and scout
I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about
The admission is free so pay at the door
Now pull out a chair and sit on the floor
On one bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
The blind man came to see fair play
The mute man came to shout hooray
The deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to stop those two dead boys
He lived on the corner in the middle of the block
In a two story house on a vacant lot
A man with no legs came walking by
And kicked the lawman in his thigh
He crashed through a wall without making a sound
Into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned
A long black hearse came to cart him away
But he ran for his life and is still gone today
I watched from the corner of the table
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable
If you doubt my lies are true
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too
-- by Tyler Rager