Jokes

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Edgar Summer
Posts: 153
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Edgar Summer »

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I'd like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead

Anna......"

Anna: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anna! . Yes Lucy!"

Lucy:
"Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Lucy!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks:

"Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel"

As instructed, all the young girls get up and proceed to leave...

Little Johnny says, "Hold it, you little whores, it hasn't been opened yet!

Teacher faints !
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Perry Mason
Posts: 132
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:45 pm

Queen of England

Post by Perry Mason »

Queen Elizabeth II was to give a speech at the U.N. She had last been in N.Y. back in the Fifties. The limo’s chauffeur had picked her up a little early and she wanted to see if any of the things she had seen in the Fifties were still around. After the impromptu tour, The Queen said to the chauffeur “You know, driver. I’ve ridden in the back of many limousines, but I’ve never driven one.” “Well, Your Majesty,” the chauffeur responded, “I’ve driven them, but I never rode in the back.” The two of them switched. The Queen was so excited she didn’t notice that she drove through a stoplight. A police officer pulls the limo over and, when he sees who’s behind the wheel, get on the radio with his sergeant. “Sarge, I gotta real big problem here.”

“What is it?”

“I had to pull over some big shot and don’t know what to do.”

“Who is it? An alderman?”

“No, someone bigger.”

“The mayor?”

“Even bigger.”

“The governor?”

“Bigger.”

“A senator or representative?”

“Bigger.”

“The Vice-President?”

“Bigger.”

“Someone from the First Family?”

“Bigger.”

“The President?!”

“Bigger.”

“Bigger than The President?!” The sergeant asked, “Who could be bigger than The President?!”

“I don’t know who this guy is, Sarge, but he’s got The Queen of England as a chauffeur!”
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Perry Mason
Posts: 132
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:45 pm

Mothers Day

Post by Perry Mason »

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
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Fred Flintstone
Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Fred Flintstone »

A kid comes home from school. “Dad, I need your help on an essay question.”

“Ok son, what is it?

The kid says he needs a definition and a difference between hypothetical and realistic.

The dad says, “Go ask your mom if she’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.”

The kid does and comes back with an affirmative answer.

“OK, son, go upstairs and ask your sister the same question.”

Kid goes and comes back. “Same answer, Dad, she’d sleep with him in a heartbeat.”

The dad gives off a big sigh and puts down the evening paper. “Well, there’s your answer, son. Hypothetically, we’re up 2 million bucks.

“In reality, we’re living with a couple sluts.”
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Jim
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jim »

An older woman went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was.

After she told him what had happened, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was.

'What is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grandchildren! And you told her she was pregnant?! Are you insane?!'

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, 'Agh, but does she still have the hiccups?'
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Vette guy
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2021 6:31 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Vette guy »

A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??

The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag,

He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.

The Man says :-

"It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food"..

The Shop Man says :-

"Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand"..

He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man's Trousers and asks :-

"What is that Piece of String for"..???

The Shop Man says :-

"When I need a Pee I just pull on the String and it Pops Out"..

"That’s OK" Says the man.

"But how do you put it Back"..???

"That’s No Problem", says the Shop Man.

"I just Use the TONGS"..😜
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Vette guy
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2021 6:31 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Vette guy »

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do some thing about it.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him.

If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up.

When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.

And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.

Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.

Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!
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F-35
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:44 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by F-35 »

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman smiles then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
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Vette guy
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2021 6:31 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Vette guy »

A highway patrolman was on patrol one afternoon when he saw a car weave in its lane a bit. He decided to check it out and pulled the car over. He walked up to the drivers window and saw the driver was a little old lady in her eighties. He said ma’m, for my safety I have to ask if you have any weapons. She said she had a pistol in her purse. He asked to see it. She took a .22 caliber pistol from her purse and handed it to him. Any other weapons he asked. She opened the console and pulled out a .357 pistol and handed it to the officer. Anything else he asked. She opened the glove compartment and retrieved a 9 mm pistol and handed it to the officer. Kind of perplexed he asked M’am, what are you afraid of. With a smile on her elderly face she looked the officer directly in his eyes and replied, “Not a frick’in thing.”
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Bot
Posts: 180
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2021 9:10 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Bot »

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,

"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his

standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
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