Jokes

[Vette guy]

An annual Pun Competition was held by the New York Times. Here are some submissions:

1. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

2. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

3. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

4. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

5. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

6. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

7. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

8. I didn't like my beard at first.

Then it grew on me.

9. Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils

10. Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

11. Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c?

Because you can’t 'c' in the dark.

12. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Well, because time will tell.

13. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

13. I’m trying to organize a hide-n-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

14. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness!!!

[Vette guy]

A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” the woman asked.
“Hunting mosquitoes” He responded.
“Oh, catching any?” She asked.
“Yep, two males, two females” said the husband.
Intrigued with this information the woman asked:
“How can you tell?”
Her husband quickly responded:
“Two were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

[Bot]

An older man is in the hospital with Covid, and has the oxygen mask on, a new nurse comes in to give him a sponge bath and he asks her in a muffled voice, "Are my testicles black?" She looks at him embarrassed and tells him, "sorry sir, I'm just here to clean your upper body, you'd need the doctor here for that." The man stayed silent until finally after some time he asks her again, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed but figuring that the old man seems stressed and she doesn't want his pressure to rise she removes the blanket and puts his testicles in her hand to examine them. "No sir, your testicles seem fine." The old man removes his mask and speaks again this time clearly, "Thank you nurse that's reassuring, now listen carefully, are my test results back?"

[Vette guy]

A young woman was pulled over in Rupert, Idaho for speeding. As the Minidoka County Police Officer walked to her car window, he flipped open His ticket book.

She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Minidoka County Troopers Ball."

He replied, "Minidoka County Troopers don't Have Balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his Patrol car and left.

[Edgar Summer]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.

The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.

The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale?"

[RAM1500]

Three nine year old city boys were sitting on the curb, looking at three fancy cars parked across the street.

The first boy says, “You know what I wish I had?....I wish I had that Rolls Royce sitting across the street.”

The second boy says, “Not me. You know what I wish I had?....I wish I had that Ferrari parked next to that Rolls.

The third boy says, “ Not me!!!! You will never guess what I want!”

The other boys say in unison,”You want that Mercedes sitting next to the Rolls and Ferrari !”

“Nope!!! I wish I had hair all over my body?”

The other two look at each other and say, “What for?”

The third boy says, I’m not quite sure why, but my sister only has a little triangle shaped patch, and she owns all three of them cars.

[Bot]

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Fred Flintstone]

A suave wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

This absolutely stunning brunette comes over to the table and lays a wet open mouth kiss on the husband.

She then whispers in his ear, “See you later tonight, “ then walks away as every man watches her walk across the room.

The wife glares at him: “Who the hell was that ?

“Oh”, replies the husband casually, “She’s my mistress.”

“Why you son of a bitch, that’s the last straw” says the wife.

“I’m done with you, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand your feelings,” he says, “But remember, divorce means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas, no more fancy restaurants and no more yacht club.

But, the decision is yours, my dear.”

At that moment, George, a friend of the husband, shows up at the same restaurant with a gorgeous blonde babe hanging on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with George?” demands the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is much prettier”, she replies.

[Edgar Summer]

The housekeeper finally asked the woman of the house for a raise, to which she replied,

“Helen, why do you think you deserve a raise?”

“There are 3 strong reasons, ma’am.”
“First, I iron clothes much better than you.”

“Who told you that nonsense?”

“Your Husband,”
Second; I cook much better than you.”

“Who told you that lie?’

“Again, your Husband.”
Third, I ‘m much better in bed than you.”

“I suppose my husband told you that also?”

“No, the gardener told me that.”
‘How about a 10% raise and Sunday’s off?”

[F-35]

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.

The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?"

He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"