Jokes

[Edgar Summer]

So this Proctologist ( all his accounts were in arrears) was in his office one day writing a prescription.

His nurse comes up to him and says , “excuse me doctor, but you are trying to write that prescription with a thermometer!!

proctologist replies “ oh shit!! Some asshole took my pen!!”

[Edgar Summer]

A guy walks into a pet store, and sees a talking parrot, marked down to $5. The bird looks healthy and he figures what’s five bucks so he buys it and takes it home.

Soon he discovers why the bird was discounted. All it does is curse day and night. He tries everything… covering it with a sheet, shushing the bird, treats… nothing works… just a string of F-bombs and language to make a sailor blush.

Out of ideas, he throws the bird in the freezer and slams the door. He hears more cursing than ever… then suddenly complete silence.

Worried, he opens the freezer the bird looks at him and says “Sir, I realize some of my behavior to this point may have been inappropriate. I hope we can make amends and begin a new relationship built on mutual respect.”

The man shocked, says “Uhhh…. ok… sure.”

The parrot pauses and points to a package and says “If I may be so bold as to ask, sir… what did the turkey do to you?”

[Jim]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!

He yelled,

"Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack!

I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me

before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory!

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions!

The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower : "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"

Tower : "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"

Tower : "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast!

So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"

Aircraft : “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!"

[Vette guy]

This is something we had better be on the lookout for.

I recently received this bulletin from a concerned friend and just wanted you guys to be aware of this.

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers: over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic - don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful out there

[Vette guy]

A man goes up to a Priest and says,”father my poor dog has died could you say a mass for him?

The Priest says, “I can’t say a mass for an animal it’s against the churches teachings”. But if you go down to one of the protestant churches maybe they can help. The man says “thanks, oh by the way do you think $5,000 would be an adequate amount”?

The Priest says,”come back my son why didn’t you tell me the dog was catholic”!

[Vette guy]

Subject: Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

[Edgar Summer]

Two boys are walking down the street when one of them finds a dollar on the ground. Being a nice kid he decides to share it with his friend.

“I’m going to buy a candy bar with my half of the dollar,” the friend says. “What are you going to buy?”

“I’m going to buy a tampon,” the boy replies.

“A tampon?! What are you going to do with a tampon?”

“Well, I’m not sure. But I saw on TV that you can go swimming with one, or play tennis, or ride horseback . . .”

[Edgar Summer]

A crusty old Navy Chief Petty Officer found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief Petty Officer for conversation.

'Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It Looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The chief, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

[Edgar Summer]

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted"

Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.......

I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian."

[RAM1500]

Two blondes are walking down the street with their dogs. They’re getting a little tired, so one blonde suggests they stop in the next bar for a drink. The other blonde says, “But what about our dogs?”

The first one replies, “No worries. Just put on your sunglasses and follow my lead.”

So they go into the bar. The host stops the first one and says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but dogs aren’t allowed in here.”

The blonde replies, “Oh, but I’m blind. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize that they were using mastiffs as seeing-eye dogs these days.

The first blonde says, “Oh yes, they’ve found that mastiffs make some of the best seeing-eye dogs.” And the host waves her in.

The second blonde, seeing the first one’s success, walks in. The host stops her. “Excuse me, ma’am, but dogs aren’t allowed in here.”

The blonde replies, “Oh, but I’m blind. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

“Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn’t realize they were using cocker spaniels as seeing-eye dogs these days.”

“THEY GAVE ME A FUCKING COCKER SPANIEL?????”