Jokes

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Jet Man
Posts: 62
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2021 8:49 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jet Man »

Puns for all-

I would whine about how bad these puns are, but I'm a groan man.

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
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Jim
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jim »

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes. "The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?" "Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000. "Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock. "It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. "OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman. "I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?' "Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
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Jim
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jim »

Bob the Undertaker.

What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I had a terrible day” replied Bob.

“I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection”.

“Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge election. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half”.

“I see”, said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied, ” …Wrong room …
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Edgar Summer
Posts: 153
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Edgar Summer »

Thoughts to Ponder Again

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?

Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake

up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in

binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,

why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,

but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,

he sticks his head out the window.
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RAM1500
Posts: 298
Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 8:06 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by RAM1500 »

This guy had just bought a BMW M5 and decided to take it out and open it up.

He was cruising along Dutch roads just admiring the beautiful scenery

.
He decided to see how it ran at speed, so he took it up to 110kph. It felt great. Then up to 145kph.

Then he saw the flashing lights in his rearview mirror and
He decided to try to outrun the cop.

After a few minutes over 240kph he decided that this wasn’t the smartest thing he ever did and pulled over.

The cop came up, took his license without a word, looked it over. Then he said, “It’s Friday, it’s late. If you can give me an excuse for your behavior that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off.”

The guy thought a few seconds and said,”Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
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F-35
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:44 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by F-35 »

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and

became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.

They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches

every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades,

until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken,

don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little

feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay! " and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right.

You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he

brought peanut butter

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken

sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!
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F-35
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:44 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by F-35 »

A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip.

She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.

In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde

trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no.

That is not what we mean by this question.

We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
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RAM1500
Posts: 298
Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 8:06 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by RAM1500 »

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn’t know Joan worked here."
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Edgar Summer
Posts: 153
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Edgar Summer »

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean discovered survivors of a ship that just sunk. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark as he lead him to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
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Edgar Summer
Posts: 153
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Edgar Summer »

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."
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