A Hindu, a Jew, and a lawyer are driving together to a friend’s wedding. Road is washed out and they have to pull up at a farm house for the night. Farmer tells them that he only has room for two and one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteers, takes a blanket and pillow, and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later he comes back. “I am very sorry. But you have a cow in the barn and cows are sacred creatures in my culture and I cannot sleep close to them.”
The farmer understands and takes no offense.
The Jew volunteers and takes a blanket and pillow and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later he returns. “I am very sorry. But you have pigs in the barn and they all tried to get under the blanket with me. I cannot be in close proximity to them because of my culture.”
The farmer understands and takes no offense.
The lawyer volunteers and takes a blanket and pillow and goes to the barn. 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door. Standing in front of the farmer is the cow and the pigs.
Jokes
Re: Jokes
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and comparing notes.
“I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,” the first one said. “You open them up and everything is numbered.”
I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,” the second one offered. “You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third one said, “I like engineers - they always understand when you have parts left over at the end.”
“I prefer to operate on lawyers, “ said the fourth surgeon, the most experienced of the group. “They’re heartless, spineless and gutless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”
“I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,” the first one said. “You open them up and everything is numbered.”
I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,” the second one offered. “You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third one said, “I like engineers - they always understand when you have parts left over at the end.”
“I prefer to operate on lawyers, “ said the fourth surgeon, the most experienced of the group. “They’re heartless, spineless and gutless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”
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Fred Flintstone
- Posts: 157
- Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm
The Mule
A guy's mule kicked his mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
During the visitation at the funeral home, a steady stream of men approached the mule's owner. Each man would say a few words, met by a nod, then a few more words, followed by a shake of the son-in-law's head.
The funeral director watched this for a while and, curious, he moved closer to eavesdrop. This is what he heard:
I'm sorry about your mother-in-law. She was a good woman
**Nod**
Can I borrow your mule?
During the visitation at the funeral home, a steady stream of men approached the mule's owner. Each man would say a few words, met by a nod, then a few more words, followed by a shake of the son-in-law's head.
The funeral director watched this for a while and, curious, he moved closer to eavesdrop. This is what he heard:
I'm sorry about your mother-in-law. She was a good woman
**Nod**
Can I borrow your mule?
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Fred Flintstone
- Posts: 157
- Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm
UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
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Fred Flintstone
- Posts: 157
- Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm
Can you see me?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are walking through a festival and stop in front of a street performer. He calls out, “Can everybody see me?” and they say no, so he climbs on top of a stage and asks, “Can you see me now?” They answer:
“Yes!”
“Oui!”
“¡Si!”
“Ja!”
“Yes!”
“Oui!”
“¡Si!”
“Ja!”
Home Depot
Little 5 year old Chloe noticed that a new home was being built next door to hers. She watched the workers and figuring they were thirsty she decided to make some lemonade. Of course, the workers appreciated this, and when Chloe showed up the next day with a lemonade stand, they were more than eager to put some change in the little bowl she had set up on the stand. This went on all week, and by Friday, when her Daddy came home from work, he was eager to find out how her week went.
“How’s my little construction worker?”
“Fine Daddy! Look, they let me wear this hard hat and they paid me all this money!!”
“Looks like you have at least 10 dollars there! So are you going to visit them tomorrow?”
“No, Daddy, they’re not working tomorrow.”
“But construction workers usually work on Saturdays. How come they’re off tomorrow?”
“’Cuz Home Depot forgot to deliver the farkin’ drywall.”
“How’s my little construction worker?”
“Fine Daddy! Look, they let me wear this hard hat and they paid me all this money!!”
“Looks like you have at least 10 dollars there! So are you going to visit them tomorrow?”
“No, Daddy, they’re not working tomorrow.”
“But construction workers usually work on Saturdays. How come they’re off tomorrow?”
“’Cuz Home Depot forgot to deliver the farkin’ drywall.”
S & M mags
Lil Johnnie got in trouble b’cuz his Mother found S & M magazines under his bed.
Johnnie’s Mother abruptly quipped…”Oh, Johnnie, you’re in real trouble now…wait ’til your Father see’s this when he comes home from work”
Johnnie’s Father returns home and immediately the Mother tells him… “look at these filthy magazines I found under Lil Johnnie’s bed… what do you intend to do about it”, she demands!
Father thinks a moment and says…
”I dunno, but I sure ain’t gonna spank him”
Johnnie’s Mother abruptly quipped…”Oh, Johnnie, you’re in real trouble now…wait ’til your Father see’s this when he comes home from work”
Johnnie’s Father returns home and immediately the Mother tells him… “look at these filthy magazines I found under Lil Johnnie’s bed… what do you intend to do about it”, she demands!
Father thinks a moment and says…
”I dunno, but I sure ain’t gonna spank him”
Re: Jokes
POW he hit a tree and crushed his right arm. The doctors were unable to save his arm so they amputated it. The skier became extremely depressed over the loss of his arm. He walked out on the balcony of his 6th floor condo and was intending to jump. Then he saw an armless older man on the sidewalk below apparently so happy he was dancing a jig and twirling and skipping all around. So the skier went down to ask the man how he could be so happy without arms. The man replied: Happy Hell! My balls itch!
Re: Jokes
A rather stuck up mother and her thirteen year old daughter were in a taxi when they just happened to pass through the red light district. The daughter is curious and asks, “ Mommy, why are all those ladies standing on the street corner ?” The mother, preferring to avoid telling her daughter about prostitutes and how they earn their living replied. “ They are sailors wives my dear, and they are waiting for their husbands to come home.” The taxi driver guffaws and almost chokes, when he finally gets his breath back he says,” Come on now lady, why don’t you tell her the truth, they’re Hookers, prostitutes, they sell their bodies for sex, that's what they are.” The little girl is thoughtful for a moment and then asks. “Mommy, do Hooker ladies have babies like other women? ” To which the mother replies. “ Oh most certainly Sweetheart, that’s how we get Taxi drivers.”
Re: Jokes
Plane Conversation
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let ́s talk. I ́ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a Conversation with your fellow passenger.?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don ́t know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic; but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don ́t know shit?"
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let ́s talk. I ́ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a Conversation with your fellow passenger.?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don ́t know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic; but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don ́t know shit?"