Jokes

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Jim
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jim »

There were four catholic women drinking coffee and having a discussion about their sons. The first woman says, “My son is a priest, and people come up to him and say, hello father.” The second woman says, “Well my on is an arch bishop, people come up to him and say, hello your grace.” The third woman says, “Well my son is a cardinal, they come up to him , kiss his ring and say, hello your eminence.” The fourth woman takes another sip of her coffee and says, “Well my son is a male stripper, he is 6 foot tall, has blonde hair and blue eyes and when the the women see him, they say, oh my God!!”
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Bot
Posts: 180
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2021 9:10 pm

Another Blonde Joke

Post by Bot »

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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Jim
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jim »

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

"The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said, "Well, it might be okay in California and New York, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."
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Perry Mason
Posts: 132
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:45 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Perry Mason »

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper,
fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the
farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable
but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at
several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the
farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's
what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call
'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a
horse."

"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of
a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute,
are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing
the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies,
though."
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Jet Man
Posts: 62
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2021 8:49 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jet Man »

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights and yanked the blanket back. There is his wife and a man, both naked as jay bird. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.” HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat. HE paid for your Football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4. HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues. And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month. Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do'? The cabby replied, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold.'
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Vette guy
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2021 6:31 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Vette guy »

I attended Bible School and always read the assignments. Now I learn that portions of the Bible are incorrect. For example, God created Earth and then Adam. That is true. God returned the next day to check on Adam. “How is everything?” he asked. Adam: “Well . . . pretty nice here, but it’s awful lonely.”

God: “Yes, I had already though about that as a possibility. I have an idea, I’ll call her woman, and she’ll keep you company. She’ll cook, clean, take care of you, and pay attention to your every need. How does that sound.”

Adam: “That sounds very good. But how much will she cost?

God: “She’ll cost an arm and a leg.”

Adam: “Oh, that sounds expensive. . . . What could I get for a rib?”
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Jet Man
Posts: 62
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2021 8:49 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jet Man »

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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F-35
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:44 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by F-35 »

Karma - or what goes around comes around…….. Karma comes in many guises

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling COVID protection masks

The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water.

Would you like to buy a mask? They are only $5.

”The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your masks I need water!”

“Sorry, I have none, just masks - and only $5.”

“Pahh! A curse on your masks! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but ... I must conserve my energy and find water!”

“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a mask from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.

It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace.

”Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a mask!
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Edgar Summer
Posts: 153
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Edgar Summer »

A company of soldiers were route-stepping through a valley, when a Marine appeared up on top of a nearby hill and said: "You Army guys fight like girls." The Army captain said: "First Squad, get up there and teach that Marine a lesson." Ten soldiers go charging up the hill and disappear over the top. Sounds of fighting are heard, then the Marine appears, straightens his tie, and yells down to the soldiers: "Come on now, don't any of you pussies know how to fight?" So the captain orders the rest of First Platoon up the hill. Forty soldiers charge up and drop out of sight on the other side. Again, serious sounds of fighting, and then the Marine appears again, brushes some dust off his uniform, and proceeds to insult the soldiers. So the captain says: "OK, Second and Third Platoons, go get that SOB." Just then, a ragged soldier appears at the top of the hill and yells: "Go back, Captain, it's a trap. There are TWO of them."
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Perry Mason
Posts: 132
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:45 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Perry Mason »

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?

"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
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