Jokes

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F-35
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:44 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by F-35 »

A Titanic Tale but not big enough to fill a Book.....

An old lady was standing at the rail of the Titanic holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, Madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.""But Madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!"

--------------

Two Southern Belles are sittin’ on the veranda,


when one points at the big shiny car in the driveway, and says, “my Daddy bought me that brand-new Cadillac”.

The other nods, sips her julep, and says, “how nice”.

They rock back and forth on the porch swing a moment, and the first deb speaks up again, lifting her pretty little wrist, adorned with glittery bling, says “see this here diamond tennis bracelet? My Daddy got it for me for my birthday”.

The other one fans herself delicately with her hankie, and says, “how nice”.

The first girl says, “my Daddy sent me to Europe after Graduation”.

The second Betty crosses her shapely ankles and says, “how nice”.

The first Belle asks the second, “doesn’t your Daddy buy you pretty things and send you on nice trips”?

“Well, he sent me to finishing school”.

“What did you learn at finishing school”?

“I learned how to say, “how nice”, instead of “farck you, bitch””.
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RAM1500
Posts: 298
Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 8:06 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by RAM1500 »

Cecil Jones
Former Operations Management at Cal Quality Electronics, Santa Ana, California (1997–2016)



A priest and a nun are on their way back from a trip when their car breaks down in a small town. They are unable to get it fixed quickly so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

(They go to bed but …ten minutes later...)

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket.

(He does but …ten minutes later...)

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket.

(He does but …ten minutes later...)

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right. Get up and get your own blanket!!!
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Edgar Summer
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Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Edgar Summer »

Little Tommy and Grandpa were sitting on the sofa watching TV when Tommy abruptly said “Grandpa can you make a sound like a Frog”? Grandpa, confused asked Tommy what he meant. Tommy repeated the question and again Grandpa asked him why. Then Tommy told Grandpa that last night I heard Mommy tell Daddy that when you finally croak we’ll all be rich!!
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Trucker Joe
Posts: 145
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:24 am

Bus Driver

Post by Trucker Joe »

A bus driver was called into the police station to fill out a report about a bus crash that left several people injured.

'I didn't mean to, It was by mistake!' he told the police chief.

'I understand that,' the chief said. 'But, how did it happen?'

'Well,' said the bus driver, 'I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the road, I saw a rabbit. I swerved into the woods and hit a tree. I managed to come out without a scratch but a few of the passengers took some damage.'

'I see,' the chief said. 'Just one question. 'Why did you not just run over the rabbit?'

'I tried!' Says the bus driver, 'But it ran into the woods!'
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Bot
Posts: 180
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2021 9:10 pm

Russian Peasant

Post by Bot »

Some time ago, a Russian peasant was walking to work at the factory, crossing a number of frozen fields as it was a very cold morning. He saw a little bird with a wounded wing. He wanted to help that bird but he knew he would get in trouble if he did not get to work on time.

A few yards from the bird he saw a steaming cow pie. He got an idea, “If the bird would get warm, it might live.” So he took the cow pie and formed it around the freezing bird, just leaving the head exposed. And off to work he went.

The little bird was revived by the warmth of the cow pie. He started to sing.

A wolf came from the edge of the forest, heard the little bird singing and walked up to inspect it. He said to himself, “It looks like breakfast, though I don’t like the wrapping.” So he carefully removed the cow pie and ate the little bird.

Moral: The one who gets you into it isn’t necessarily your enemy. The one who gets you out of it isn’t necessarily your friend. But when you’re in it up to your ears, don’t sing about it.
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Edgar Summer
Posts: 153
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

I'm married

Post by Edgar Summer »

A husband wakes up with The Mother Of All Hangovers.

He dreads the lecture he’s about to get as this isn’t exactly his first time having stayed out too late and had a few too many. But instead as he rolls over he sees two aspirin, a glass of water and his clothes neatly folded.

Taking the pills, he gets up to head down the hall… suddenly remembering he got violently sick in the hall when he came home. Dreading the mess, he opens the door and sees everything neat and clean.

Confused, he goes down the hall and sees his wife sitting there with a big plate of breakfast. He looks at her and says “Uhhh… this isn’t exactly what I expected this morning.”

She says, “Well I admit, I was pretty mad, but then you said something last night that made a difference.”

He answers, “Uhhh, what did I say?”

She says, “When you were in the bed, I started to take your pants off, you said ‘Hey knock that off, leave me alone lady, cantcha? I’m married!”
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Jim
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

My favorite animal

Post by Jim »

MY FAVOURITE ANIMAL

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was and I said, "Fried Chicken."

She said I wasn't funny but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said that she was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class the teacher asked me what my favourite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today she asked me what famous military person I admired the most and I said, "Colonel Saunders".

Guess where the farck I am now........
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Fred Flintstone
Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm

Cold Winter

Post by Fred Flintstone »

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
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Fred Flintstone
Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm

Lost me hat

Post by Fred Flintstone »

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down in shock when he saw him.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to attend Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I gotta be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like it, and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take his hat off during Mass, and I figured he would leave it on a hook at the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest said, "So, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?"

Murphy shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
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Fred Flintstone
Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:34 pm

Pig with wooden leg

Post by Fred Flintstone »

A salesman was visiting a farm, hoping to make a sale. As he drove in the yard he noticed in one of the pens that there was a pig with one wooden leg.

When the farmer came out, the salesman said to the farmer: “I couldn’t help but notice your pig has a wooden leg”

The farmer said: “Let me tell you about that pig. That is one brave animal. A month ago, in the middle of the night, our fuel stove started a fire in the kitchen. Somehow that pig smelled the smoke, busted out of his pen and came to the house and banged against the front door until we woke up. We managed to get the fire out, but that pig saved our lives”

The salesman said: “How come the wooden leg. Did he break it trying to warn you?”

The farmer said: “No. You wouldn’t want to eat a valuable pig like that all at once.”
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