Jokes

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Trucker Joe
Posts: 114
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:24 am

Jokes

Post by Trucker Joe »

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
.....
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
.....
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
---
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
---
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
---
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
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RAM1500
Posts: 176
Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2020 8:06 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by RAM1500 »

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were fans of Big Government.

Not really knowing what a Big Government fan is, but wanting to be liked by the
teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little TJ.

The teacher asked Little TJ why he has decided to be different...again.

Little TJ said, "Because I'm not a fan of Big Government."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Big Government?"

Little TJ said, "Because I'm a libertarian."

The teacher asked him why he's a libertarian. Little TJ answered, "Well, my Dad's a libertarian and my Mom's a libertarian, so I'm a libertarian."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your dad were a moron and your mom were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little TJ replied, "That would make me a fan of Big Government."
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Jim
Posts: 97
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Jim »

A Priest gets transferred to a new Parish. He puts his things away and doesn't have to report for duty until morning so he decides to take a walk downtown. He sees some young women by a bus stop and as he walks by, one of the girls said "Twenty bucks for a quickie." He never understood what she meant so he just kept on walking. He goes less than half a block and another woman says "Twenty bucks for a quickie." He is puzzled so he just keeps on walking. He decides to circle back around to the Parish and as he is almost back, a woman brushes by him and as she does so she says "Twenty bucks for a quickie." She smelled good. So when he gets back to the Parish, he decides to find a nun and ask her what people are talking about. Sister Jean approaches him and he stops and tells her he wants to ask her something. She says sure go ahead. So he asks her "What is a quickie?" She simply replied "Twenty bucks, same as downtown."
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Bot
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2021 9:10 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Bot »

Breath alyzer

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home ,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her
and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out
with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for
that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held
it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of
her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled
out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As
Ethel neared the final corridor , Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and
holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief ," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
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Trucker Joe
Posts: 114
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:24 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Trucker Joe »

The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.

Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.

He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.

Finally, he muttered, "I'm gonna have to give it up."

"Golf?" asked the caddie.

"No," he replied, "the ministry."
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Edgar Summer
Posts: 75
Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2020 2:49 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Edgar Summer »

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman: "Buy a television."
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Vette guy
Posts: 127
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2021 6:31 am

3 Nuns

Post by Vette guy »

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day
and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course, I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, ” Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.

The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
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Jim
Posts: 97
Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:52 pm

Fortune Teller

Post by Jim »

Wandering around the fair ground, a man enters a a fortune teller's tent for fun.

"I can see you are a father of two" Says the fortune teller gazing into her crystal ball.

"Ha, that's what you think" says the man. "I am the father of three."

"Ha!" Says the fortune teller. "That's what you think!"
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Bot
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2021 9:10 pm

When Engineers die

Post by Bot »

When Engineers die

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?
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Perry Mason
Posts: 80
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:45 pm

Young Couple making love

Post by Perry Mason »

A young couple enjoyed making love, plus they wanted to save money for a month long vacation. So every time they made love, the husband would put a$5.00 bill into an empty tissue box by the bed. Eventually the box was full, so the husband emptied it out, eager to see how much they had saved. However, when he saw the pile of bills on the night table, there were 20’s, 50’s, and even a few $100 bills in the pile! He asked his wife, what are are these? She looked at him and replied, “What, you think everyone is as cheap as you are?!!!”
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